Schwartzy and Pagana Get a Comic Book

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Yeah! That’s right. Bob Hope had one. Jerry Lewis had one. Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis had one. Abbott and Costello had one. Laurel and Hardy had one. Shemp Howard didn’t have one on his own, but he should have. Although he did have one WITH The Three Stooges.

Anyway… that’s right!!! We’re talking about comic books. And now, Schwartzy and Pagana are getting their due. (Take THAT Wheeler and Woolsey!)

From the folks who bring you “Schwartzy and Pagana rat poison” and “Schwartzy and Pagana shoe horns” comes the first design for the first edition of the very first Schwartzy and Pagana comic book.

Now, we ain’t saying this is the final design, as we’d like to hear what you have to say first. (But don’t tell Schwartzy and Pagana themselves. They don’t want to hear anything you have to say) So, check it out. Share it with your grandma. Read it to convicted felons and homeless people on holidays.

And give us your feedback.

And then, just maybe, we may actually complete the whole comic book.

Schwartzy and Pagana and Oscar

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Schwartzy and Pagana Cover the 84th Annual Academy Awards

As dictated- word for word- to Miss Malone, by Schwartzy and Pagana.

Note:
This particular document was handed to Jordan, our producer, the day after the Oscars. However, being the unreliable, flaky, lackadaisical guy that he is, Jordan FORGOT to publish it.
Can you believe it? He FORGOT about our webby-net blog covering the *84th Annual Academy Awards. Useless.

Anyways! This webby-net blog covers all the crazy shenanigans that went down at this year’s Oscars.
Since we were there to experience it first hand.
Yeah, that’s right! WE went to the Oscars!
What would the Oscars be without Schwartzy and Pagana?
Well, nobody would watch them, that’s for sure.

So first things first! Hello Areola!
No awards show is complete without a nip slip.
And this wasn’t just anyone’s nip slip, but J.Lo’s!
From here on out we shall address said nip slip as “J.Low-Cut”
Anyway “J.Low-Cut”not only flashed the audience for some mardi gras beads, but also changed into ANOTHER “J.Low-Cut” dress for some after party.
She solved the nip slip dress problem by changing into the same dress in a different color.
REVOLUTIONARY.
Hey I’m not complaining, I’m just relaying the bare facts.
Speaking of bare! Did you see that Angelina broad’s right leg?
It was all over the place! Peaking in and out of her dress, making something peak in and out of mine.
Whoa, you wear a dress?
I was speaking figuratively…
In other news, Sacha Baron Cohen made quite an impression on the red carpet, when he came dressed as a dictator and dumped a jar full of some dead guy’s ashes all over Ryan Seagull, embarrassing him in front of dozens of celebrities. Unbelievable.
Yeah! I mean what idiot dresses up like some stupid character, shows up at the red carpet for an event as prestigious as the Academy Awards, and makes a scene by picking on all the important people there?!
Yeah! Stealin’ our bit!

Anyways, there was even more boob-action when the crew of Bridesmaids pulled bottles of vodka from their cleavage and downed shots whenever someone uttered Scorsese’s name.
I wonder if that works on all dames?
Yeah, in that case, I’m score-seing tonight!
JAZZ HANDS.
I’m not sure that will play written out.
It will. Trust me.

So, In conclusion, for an event that was supposed to celebrate the wonderful world of motion pictures, it turned out to be a night of drunk dames, hot legs, nip slips, and public humiliation.
Which happens to be an average Tuesday night for us.
(Oh yeah and a couple of people won some awards.)

Can’t wait for next year, when Peter O’Toole gets nominated and wins for Peter O’Toole Meets Schwartzy and Pagana.
And we get thrown out of the Oscars again.

“THIS MEANS WAR” (Motion Picture Review)

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Note:

The following is a typed transcription of Schwartzy and Pagana’s lost (PFFFT! LOUSY JORDAN!!) review of ‘This Means War’. This transcription luckily survives because Schwartzy and Pagana insist a stenographer follow them and copy down everything they say.

 

 

I’m Schwartzy!

And I’m Pagana!

And we’d like to kick off our webbyblog by reviewing the new movie “This Means War” starring Tom Hardy, Young William Shatner, and that frog-looking Witherspoon broad.

“This Means War” is your typical comedy, action, romance blockbuster hit. Without the hit.

Or the comedy.

Or the action.

Or the romance.

The story goes like this: Two guys, (neither one of which is Peter O’Toole – STRIKE ONE), who happen to be best friends, (but without fake mustaches) fall for the same dame. Then, they find out they fell for the same dame. Then the dame decides she can’t decide which guy she wants. TYPICAL DAME! Then, the guys decide they’re going to keep pursuing the said dame, even though that said dame is fickle and can’t make up her mind.

TYPICAL DAME!

Naturally, they become very competitive and things get ugly. Almost as ugly as Witherspoon herself.

So, they decide: may the best spy win!

Oh yeah, the guys happen to also be two good-looking FBI agents. Hence, the tag line “May the best spy win.”

You think they’re good looking?

Well, I’m just saying… as far as FBI agents go they’re pretty handsome.

…Anyways, if you like crummy romantic comedies posing as action flicks, then this is right up your alley.

I’d like to be up that Witherspoon broad’s alley, know what I mean?

Not really. So, where were we? Oh yeah. This was really a bad premise for a movie.

Yeah! What best friends would actually let a dame come between them? However, I’m pretty sure if we were in that situation, she would pick me hands down.

Uh, I don’t think so. Nobody likes a midget!

Well nobody likes a fatty!

Hey! Gramma likes fatties.

Yeah, but she likes midgets too!

True!

Anyways, the story line is implausible, henceforth makes for a bad motion picture.

Like we said, no true best friends would argue over a dame.

Unless, of course, she was hot…